Anxiety

From my teens through my thirties I had a recurring anxiety dream. It was never exactly the same but it always involved the ocean.

I grew up a mile or so from Long Island Sound which is essentially the Atlantic Ocean. Every now and then hurricanes would pass harmlessly to the east creating enormous waves. I loved it, we all did. Huge waves meant the best, most exhilarating surfing you could get in our normally calm waters. Of course they were also the most dangerous and many times I found myself bobbing disoriented with white churning water all around me obscuring the shore and my friends.

In my dreams the waves are bigger. Sometimes the dreams began with me already in the water, but the worst were being on the beach and being unable to escape as wave after wave crashed on shore, dragging me out to sea.

I'd love to have those anxiety dreams again. They were a piece of cake compared to what my subconscious now (literally) dreams up for me.

Now my anxiety dream is that I'm back at the company where I was happiest, where I worked from age 22 to 33. You'd think that'd be nice right? No, no one knows me anymore, even people I worked with for all 11 of those years. I'd actually built up a pretty good reputation there (in reality) I was considered an "idea guy" and a hard worker. I was the liaison between the geeks of the IT department and the money men on "Mahogany Row." In an office of 400 people, I was known by 400 people. In my nightmare no one knows me at all.

Not so bad, right? Fairly average anxiety dream. But then in my dreams I try to call Téa and alternatively she doesn't take my call, or worse, is now with someone else. 

Now my new nightmare isn't being overwhelmed (which waves and drowning are pretty easily interpreted to mean) it's being irrelevant.